Minxing Around

2017 Fire Rooster – It’s so hot right now.

Please Note: This blog post is meant to be taken in jest and with the essence of wholehearted tomfoolery. 

Welcome Possums! And and a heartwarming

Happy Year of the Fire Rooster to you!

2017 Chinese New Year of the Rooster
2017 Chinese New Year of the Rooster

I guess I should feel horrible for the number of puns I’ve been coming up with for this post, but dammit, it’s too easy! it’s the Year of The Rooster, Fire Rooster at that, or Hot Cock, as I’ve devilishly been referring to it as.

The New Year. For many, it’s a time for all the fun things. Double fisting (No! Not that kind, I mean holding two drinks at once), fancy nosh (a BBQ, things on sticks, or the continued leftovers from Christmas), and snogs. As I’m not a drinker, a vegetarian, and have a partner I’m happy kissing, it’s not as exciting for me as it is for many others.

BUT

If we’re talking Chinese New Year, well, that’s an entirely different story. I LOVE IT! The colour, the festivities, the food, the dances, and the outfits. It’s vibrant, warm, fun, and without a heavy emphasis on alcohol. It’s fab! But Even more than that,

I love the horoscopes!

I look forward to reading them every year. It brings me pleasure. Ok, I feel the same way towards Pantone colour of the year, which incidentally is Greenery: Pantone 15-0343. But it provides me with a moment of child-like fun, even if I do read, yet again, my lesson for the year is to learn patience (but I don’t’ have time for that!). 

To share my love for the Chinese Year of The Rooster, I’ve created the 2017 Year of the Fire Cock Horoscope – Sexy Style. I think we’ve been fowling a little down on our cluck of late, and in need of a fun morale boost. Oh! and puns. An immense amount of puns! Buckle up, rev your hengines and enjoy your horoscopes.

The Rooster

2017 Year of the rooster - The Rooster

People of The Rooster, your levels of organisation this year is a godsend for all of the zodiacs and will be responsible for the rise in paperwork. Can you feel the joy oozing from government departments? As you’re a person of joyous simplicity, you may experience a sense of unease when your body begins to demand more adventuress play. You’ll find this leads you to conversations, swaying towards the lascivious and thus resulting in some many pleasures. Mmm, delicious.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 5,7,8 (Does this mean inches?)
  • Colours: Gold, Brown, Yellow (I see a Gold Vesper or Ambit in your life soon.)
  • Flowers: Gladiola, Cockscomb (OMG! You have got to go buy some and plant them in your garden now! I love it!)
  • Directions: South, Southeast (Lot’s of oral sex is in store.)

The Dog

2017 Chinese Year of the Rooster - Dog

People of The Dog, you may find yourself going barking mad this year. You ordinarily aren’t best pals with Rooster’s, even less so when it’s their year. Don’t fret; you can always dig up your old sex toys you have buried to provide some genuine quality pleasures. You’ll also find more vitality for exploring your sexual relationships. Yup, that’s multiple. You’re going to have fun this year, just avoid those hot cocks. Highly recommend non-phallic toys this year.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 3, 4, 9 (Does this mean how many extra sex toys to buy this year?)
  • Colours: Green, Red, Purple (Colours of sex toys you need this year.)
  • Flowers: Rose, Cymbidium orchards (Be daring and pick up a rose flogger!)
  • Directions: East, South, Northeast (Head to these areas to find true love. Or a great cafe. The future is hazy.)

The Pig

chinese-zodiac-pig-color-2400px

People of The Pig though you are usually considerably reliable, may find the year of the Rooster testing your patience. Use this frustration to take on the world and put up with no bullshit. From anyone! You may find rather than hold hams with your partner, you’ll have urges to hogtie them. You’ll also find this new attitude having you question your current sex toy collection. It’s no good! A complete overhaul is required. All body-safe, ethically made and bought from socially responsible sex shops.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 2, 5, 8 (A monthly orgasm goal?)
  • Colours: Gold, Brown, Yellow, Grey (How about a yellow bullet vibe)
  • Flowers: Hydrangea, Daisy (Keep it simple and have them in your bedroom)
  • Directions: East, Southwest (Caution: These neighbours may want to be more than friends)

The Rat

chinese-zodiac-rat-color-2400px

People of the Rat will struggle with Roosters this year (aren’t all the zodiacs so far?). Your perfectionism is going to piss people off too. Yup, you’re definitely in for a grumpy year. No doubt about it. As The Dude would say ‘That’s a bummer, man.‘ So your best bet is to stay indoors, masturbate furiously, and wait it out. Oh! and don’t gossip, people will find out and be beyond annoyed.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 3, 4, 9 (The number of sex toy shops you’ll visit before you find the perfect sexy toy)
  • Colours: Green, Blue, Gold (New bed sheets perhaps, try some luscious bamboo ones.)
  • Flowers: Lily, African Violet (Do yo have a green thumb? If not, just buy the similar colour in a vibrator.)
  • Directions: West, Southwest, Northwest (They’ll be pheromones waftage from there. Frequently.)

The Ox

chinese-zodiac-ox-color-2400px

People of The Ox, you’ve just had a bad year for relationships. Great! Because now you can have fun, meet new people, and milk the single scene. Fair warning, your words can easily captivate others, so if you’re not looking for a new relationship, steer clear of them, or invest in a ball gag for yourself. While you’re at it, add a blindfold and some restraints. Ooooo you saucy Ox. You’re steaming up the internet. Well Done!

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 1, 4 (Number of potential partners you’ll have to hold back.)
  • Colours: Green, White, Yellow (Write sexy notes on these shades of paper. To yourself! Or send yourself a love letter.)
  • Flowers: Tulip, Peach Blossom (Fill your house with these fresh blooms.)
  • Directions: North, South (Only have sex facing these directions.)

The Tiger

chinese-zodiac-tiger-color-2400px

People of The Tiger, you’re natural sex machines!. James Brown would be proud. So why are you reading this? You’re not as desperate as the rest of us. You’re fortunate to have a pick ‘n’ sex situation going on. Other zodiacs, don’t feel bad because their sex life isn’t all puuurfect. Tigers, this year, you may find a person who’ll have you questioning your sexual interests and desires. Be open to experimentation for you never know where it could lead. Pegging? Gender play? Tinder?

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 1, 3, 4 (Number of new sex positions you should try this year.)
  • Colours: Blue, Grey, Orange (If you have a car in this colour, keep the back seat free, if you know what I mean *wink wink*. If you don’t, never mind.)
  • Flowers: Yellow Lily, Cineraria (If you end up experimenting with drag, choose one of these as your name.)
  • Directions: East, North, South (If you live in the west, MOVE HOUSE!)

The Rabbit

chinese-zodiac-rabbit-color-2400px

People of The Rabbit (aww too so cute!) You’re usually shy selves are in for an adventurous year. So hop to it! You deserve a year of shaking up and rattling those oppressive cages. Say it with me – ‘No testing on me!! I’m a creature deserving of respect not to be the subject of your medical testing or turned into your derogatory fluffy floggers! Stop it!’ But you do rather enjoy rope. You LOVE rope.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 3, 4, 6 (Number of times you will let your hair down and go sexy wild.)
  • Colours: Pink, Red, Purple, Blue (You need rope in these colours.)
  • Flowers: Jasmine, Plantain Lily (Seek out people called these.)
  • Directions: East, South, Northwest (Have sex in these corners of the house.)

The Dragon

chinese-zodiac-dragon-color-2400px

People of The Dragon, you’re all about the bold, flashy, and being on show. Of course, you are, I mean you’re a fucking dragon! To my writing surprise, you’ll be in for even more excitement, fun, and glitz this year. WTF? Are you trying to become Swarovski crystal or something? Naturally, you’ll find yourself wanting ALL the sex toys this year, but your finances will object. Heavily. Consider working another job, or finding a person willing to pay for them for you.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 1, 6, 7 (New pairs of sexy underwear this year.Like these or these or these!)
  • Colours: Gold, Silver, Greyish White (Greyish White? Really? Who writes these things?)
  • Flowers: Dragon Flower, Bleeding Heart aka The Glory Bower (Your life looks great. I’ve got nothing to add here.)
  • Directions: East, North, South (Only visit sex shops in these areas.)

The Snake

chinese-zodiac-snake-color-2400px

People of The Snake, you’re going to need to bar the doors to keep all your potential lovers at bay. Or a broom, that might be cheaper. While usually a little shy and afraid, you’ll blossom this year as you begin to shake off those fear shackles. You’re going to shine. Oh! And become a sex magnet. Avoid entering sex shops, and stick to buying online. Sex furniture might be of particular interest to you.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 2, 8, 9 (Orgasms per month to keep a bounce in your step.)
  • Colours: Black, Red, Yellow (Wear these colours to work, to remind you of those hot anacondas and/or buns.)
  • Flowers: Orchard, Cactus (You’re such an exotic person, buy one of these and have your work desk to remind you.)
  • Directions: East, West, Southwest (Find love in this direction. Or your lost wallet.)

The Horse

chinese-zodiac-horse-color-2400px

People of The Horse (Yay! That’s me) you’re in for a year of breaking your regular moulds. Be daring and give yourself a full pony play makeover! You may also want to tone down the great perfection that is you. It’s causing havoc among the other zodiacs. They just don’t understand. We’re not egotistical, bat basing our fabulousness on facts. Don’t worry, they’re just jealous skamelars.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 2, 3, 7 (Number of pony equipment to buy this year.)
  • Colours: Yellow, Green (Food colours that will increase your sex drive.)
  • Flowers: Calla Lily and Jasmine (Pretty flowers for pretty horsies. Buy some for yourself. Often.)
  • Directions: East, West, Southwest (Travel in this direction for a holiday.)

The Goat

chinese-zodiac-goat-color-2400px

People of The Goat, your year is going to be just as sweet as the last. While you can be independent, you prefer to revel in your submissiveness. You’ll be leaning in towards the need for more traditional rituals and punishments. Over the knee, spanking will become a particular favourite. Consider filling your bedroom with a new assortment of floggers, paddles and other impact play equipment.

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 2, 7 (Add another 2 0r 7” to your toys to fulfil your sexual desires.)
  • Colours: Green, Red, Purple (These represent your natural passion, and colour of your butt.)
  • Flowers: Carnation, Primrose (These are perfect for soothing inflamed or bruised areas.)
  • Directions: North (Face this direction to have your best orgasms.)

The Monkey

chinese-zodiac-monkey-color-2400px

People of The Monkey, you’re in for another year of restlessness, struggles, and being forced to endure another year of the same sex toys on the market. You may find your creative juices threatening to take over your senses, and immediately want to go into production, of your own. While this will lead to much happiness for you, it may also result in financial ruin. Have you considered a career as a sex toy blogger?

Your lucky things:

  • Numbers: 4, 9 (Does this mean how many extra sex toys to buy this year?)
  • Colours: White, Blue, Gold (Colour of shoes to wear on blind dates.)
  • Flowers: Chrysanthemum, Crape Myrtle (I’m just as surprised as you are. I really thought it would be banana palm too. Go figure.)
  • Directions: North, Northwest, West (Find something in these corners of the house to masturbate with.)

That was fun!  Hope your Rooster year is pure poultry in motion.

Happy Orgasms!

Narelle Minx x x x

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